Creating Memories

It is quite common for Tubs and I to ask each other at the end of a fun filled family day, ‘Did you ever have a day like that when you were a kid?’ More often than not, I answer ‘no’, while Tubs answers ‘yes’.   We ask this question in a fairly self-congratulatory way, and only on the days where we believe we have played the parenting role particularly well.  On these days, we feel proud of the memories we helped create, even if the significance of the experience appears lost on the children.

Part of the reason why our answers differ may be that we are living in the same town where Tubs and his family spent most of their holidays.   It is also partly due to the fact that Tubs spent a lot of time with his cousins and family friends as a child, and was fortunate to go on many outings, holidays and camps with friends, family and his Scout group.  Tubs grew up in the same suburb as his cousins and rode freely between their homes, spending countless weekends with them.  They were of a similar age and had similar interests.   

Tubs is very keen to ensure that our children have opportunities for similar experiences, and where possible he focuses on trying to create the same feeling of an experience rather than re-creating the experience itself.   We make an effort to spend time together as a family as often as we can, and we try to do things which actively engage the children – usually outdoors.   When possible we try to spend time with extended family as the bond between the children and their cousins is strong, despite many months or years passing between seeing each other. 

Growing up, I didn’t have the same experiences as Tubs did.  Perhaps it was because my father’s job required him to be in close proximity to the hospital at all times; even on holidays - his time was often spent catching up on paper work.  My father’s job also left little room for socializing, and the time he did spend with friends tended to be at tennis parties or golf – events which did not include children.  My only cousins that were close to me in age, lived on the other side of the world and we only saw them a couple of times growing up.

I sometimes catch myself in the moments when Tubs and I are ‘creating memories’ with our children, feeling like a spectator trying desperately to imprint the event in my long term memory.  I struggle to immerse myself in the experience and live fully in that moment and am usually the one with the camera - furiously snapping away, gathering evidence of the moment as it passes me by. 

I religiously keep a travel diary when we go away somewhere special, painstakingly saving and sticking tickets, postcards and brochures alongside each handwritten entry.   I started doing this on our honeymoon in 2000, and have continued ever since.  I have individual photo albums dedicated to each of our children, as well as many volumes of general family albums.  I am careful to print photos every six months or so to ensure pictures stored in digital form cannot be accidentally lost.   I make home movies which are lovingly labelled and stored safely away for future viewing.

Tubs has never voluntarily picked up a camera (video or otherwise), and only writes in holiday diaries under great sufferance when I am too exhausted at the end of the day.  He is unburdened by fears that memories will not be retained and needs no material proof of past or present experiences.   I wish I had his freedom from fear, while also having someone carefully document everything for me just in case I do forget!  Make no mistake - Tubs enjoys looking through the albums more than anyone, and he cannot watch a home movie without crying - but I don’t think he’d be overly concerned if we had none.

My resolution for 2012 and beyond, is that when we are having a magical family day at the beach, a gathering with friends or family, or just playing a game of family four-square at home (as Tubs strives to get to ‘King in four moves’ to the sounds of Snoop Dog’s ‘Sweat’), I will try harder to engage in the moment. Perhaps once my mental energy is spent involving myself more, I will free up the energy and space in my mind to store memories of the moment without even trying.  Doing so, may even generate the elusive feeling of the experience that Tubs so nostalgically describes.