Birth Order

I have always been interested in the affect birth order has upon personality.  Being a tormented middle child my self, sandwiched between an older sister and a much younger brother; I have often wondered what impact our position in the family had upon the adults we have become.  I started reading about the birth order phenomenon when my second daughter was born, eager to identify patterns and to determine whether history would be repeated. 

If the literature is to be believed, first born children become responsible, conservative adults with leadership potential.  Second born, middle children become rebellious, social and often chameleon type people. Youngest children are typically care free, social and irresponsible – accustomed to having their older siblings pick up their slack.  They also have the benefit of parents who are well broken in, and in some cases – broken down to the point that rules no longer apply or are rarely enforced.

Many a first born has bemoaned the liberties given to their younger siblings. It is often said that parents make all their mistakes with their first born, who become the unwitting victims of their parents first term in power.  I see a lot of the traits of a first born in my father, sister, father-in-law and brother-in-law; all of who are oldest of three or four siblings.  

My dear Abby, who will be eleven in a matter of weeks, was a carefree and social child until she started school.  From that point she became increasingly anxious and socially withdrawn.  Despite this, Abby has become a conscientious student and natural leader (when confidence levels allow).  She desperately craves friendship with girls her own age and rarely has time for her siblings.  She is very ‘right brained’, passionate about humanities and has her heart set on travelling the world one day, as a journalist.  We connect well with our love of language, desire to learn and general ‘people pleasing’ nature.  It will be exciting for me to watch Abby blossom, into the adult she so wants to be.

I also identify strongly with Charlotte – my antagonistic, irrepressible, gifted, gregarious and introverted middle child.  Charlotte is frequently frustrated, constantly wanting to be ‘doing something or going somewhere’, and waiting for the opportunity to show what she is capable of.   She both inspires and infuriates me.  Charlotte does well at school, and frequently describes it as ‘boring’.  She rushes through her work (wanting to be the first to finish) rather than taking the kind of care that older sister, Abby, takes in her work.  Unfortunately for me, I cannot relate to Charlotte’s left brained abilities in maths and science, nor her photographic memory or natural sporting talent.  I am sure she will do very well at something one day.

My husband (Tubs) and brother (‘Block’) are typically insouciant last borns: slow to mature, favouring their social lives over most other things throughout their childhood and early adult life.   They always seemed to get-by, doing the bare minimum.  That said, when more is required of them – they rise to the occasion, frequently surprising those who know them in the process.   Both Tubs and Block are kind and caring, generous and loyal, making them popular and easy to be around.

Lulu, who is third born and second middle child in our family, is a ‘text book’ youngest child so far.  I say ‘so far’ because her younger sister Josie may yet usurp Lulu’s throne as the littlest princess in the house.   Lulu is the embodiment of all that is good in the world.  She has a peachy round face, sparkly blue eyes and a wide toothy grin.  Her effervescent laugh and tiptoeing walk, love of clothing, make-up, fairy tales and anything pink and sparkly or made of chocolate, make her absolutely irresistible.  

We recently asked Lulu the names of her new school friends and she simply replied ‘I don’t know, I haven’t met them yet.’  She is unconcerned, uncomplicated, thoughtful, interesting and wise for her age.  Lulu is also very affectionate.  When we hug, I love the feel of her ‘drinking’ it up.  She closes her eyes, wraps her delicious little arms and legs around me, inhales deeply through her nose and then says ‘mmmmmmmmmmummy’.  Rather than relating to Lulu, I have always felt that she is a gift that I am extremely fortunate to have received.  I know mothers should feel this way about all of their children, but there is something very unique about Lulu.  Perhaps it is because I don’t see any of myself in her.  She is very much her own little person, who demands so little of the world around her. 

I used to have a recurring nightmare in which Lulu drowned.  I would wake with my heart pounding out of my chest, sweating from head to toe and gasping for air.  I haven’t had such horrific dreams about any of the other children, but interestingly – Abby now has recurring dreams about Josie drowning and being unable to save her.  I have wondered whether these dreams come at a time when we feel protective and responsible for these precious and vulnerable little people, when we are overwhelmed by that responsibility and fearful we will slip-up.

I look forward to seeing how each of my children develop and will always wonder how much impact their birth order will have.  They are all unique individuals and my bond with each of them is distinctive, as are the bonds between them.   When you have four such different children, you learn very early on, to take neither the credit nor the blame for any thing about them.